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Worst of the Week

Family Guy on Fox

Release Date: 1/9/2014

Apparently, the Fox broadcast network believes that twisted sexual fantasies are a subject of fascination to everyone in America. As evidence, note the Sunday, January 5th episode of Family Guy (9:00 p.m. ET), the Worst TV Show of the Week.

The episode, oh-so-slyly titled "Peter Problems," is entirely about lead character Peter’s bedroom-performance problems. Peter turns to “friendly neighborhood pedophile” and all-purpose sex pervert Quagmire to get him back on track in the sack.

The viewer’s nausea begins when Peter enters the bedroom. His wife Lois kisses him.

Lois: “I want to do it on top of the comforter. I don’t care if we make streaks…Shut up and take me.”

They turn the lights off. In the dark, we can hear them struggle.

Lois: “Peter, get up. There’s a caterpillar in the bed.”

Peter: “Oh, that’s me…How do I put this delicately? My hog cannot partake in the slop this evening.”

Lois: “Peter, are you having trouble getting ready?”

Peter: “Yes, obviously I’m having trouble.”

Lois: “Well, somebody’s gotta have sex with me.”

Peter: “Lois, don’t say that. Quagmire will show up like the Road Runner.”

Quagmire enters like the Road Runner.

Peter: “It’s okay. Your vagina is just a painted-on hole.”

But that’s just the mildest precursor to the show’s sickening scenes, such as the following:

Quagmire and Joe stand outside Peter’s window. They have rigged pulleys with lines running from Peter’s bedroom to a set of puppet controls manned by Quagmire.

Peter: “Are you sure this is going to work, Quagmire?”

Quagmire: “Of course! This isn’t the first time I’ve rigged up a sex puppet. I now have full control over your genitals.”

Peter: “Are you sure?"

Quagmire: “Yeah, check it out.”

Quagmire tugs on one of the puppet controls.

Peter: “Haha, it looks like an unmanned fire hose.”

Quagmire: “Stop smiling. This is serious. You gotta have your sex face.”

Peter: “Okay, Lois, I’m ready.”

Quagmire starts tugging on the puppet controls.

Lois: “Oh, Peter.”

Peter: “How ‘bout this?”

Quagmire is yanked forward.

Quagmire: “Damn it, Peter. I’ll set the pace, you idiot. Now to let some line out. Let her dance with it a little.”

Lois: “C’mon, Peter, get out of my water glass. I need to take a pill later.”

Peter: “Sorry, I guess I need to be a little more to the left. A little more to the left!”

Quagmire: “C’mon, Quagmire, you were a Navy pilot for six years. Land this thing!”

Quagmire swings wildly, then pours whipped cream over the strings and licks them.

Lois: “Oh, Peter! That’s new.”

Not all of Family Guy’s so-called “humor” is as blatant. Some is marginally more subtle – if no less adolescent:

Peter shops for classical records and asks the music store clerk for advice.

Clerk: “Oh, Debussy. I love Debussy. Sometimes all I can think about is Debussy. Oh, look at the pianist. The pianist is so good with Debussy.”

Peter: “So you like his early work?”

Clerk: “Oh, yes, when Debussy was young. That’s when you want Debussy.”

Peter: “Okay, I’ll take these two.” [holds up Bach and Debussy records]

Clerk: “Very good, sir. Just make sure you finish on the Bach. Never finish on Debussy.”

While glutted on explicit sex talk, no episode of Family Guy can be complete without a scene of graphic violence:

Peter opens his oven. Inside is his son Chris who has been roasted naked with an apple in his mouth.

Peter: “Oh, my God. Then that means…”

Peter opens the freezer. Stewie is frozen into a block of ice.

Peter: “And that also means…”

Meg’s severed head is spinning in the microwave. It explodes, blood and brains splattering against the microwave’s clear door.

Because Family Guy is a cartoon, Fox apparently believes it is acceptable for the program to show sexual content which – were it live-action – would be considered too sickeningly depraved for a hard-core pornographic pay-per-view cable channel. Naturally, Fox rates this cartoon as suitable for 14-year-olds…and airs it at 8:00 p.m. in the Central and Mountain time zones, in full knowledge that millions of impressionable children are watching, or even may accidentally tune in.

When the next generation of children grow up and realize just how much Family Guy psychologically warped their outlook, the show’s creator Seth MacFarlane – and the Fox network -- will have much to answer for. But until then, Fox’s Family Guy will have to settle for the dubious honor of being named the Worst TV Show of the Week.


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