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Worst of the Week

Family Guy on Fox

Christopher Gildemeister

Release Date: 2/19/2015

For the second week in a row, Fox’s Family Guy centered on children having sex – which explains why the program deserves recognition for being the Worst TV Show of the Week.

As we’ve previously noted, Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane apparently has a fetish about children and sex. From the Baby Stewie character, who even a decade ago was making lewd references about his mother, to the involvement of kids Chris and Meg in various sexually explicit storylines, to the adult characters Quagmire and John Herbert, who are unapologetic child molesters, Family Guy has relentlessly promoted the intermingling of children with sexual content as “humorous.”

On the Sunday, February 15th episode (9:00 p.m. ET), MacFarlane and company were at it again. In this episode, teenage son Chris creates a homemade sex doll. Under his father Peter’s guidance, Chris has sex with the doll, to the dismay of his mother, Lois. In addition, there were many other gags involving sex, children, and toilet humor.

The episode kicks off with a grotesque bit of allegedly “clever” innuendo, as Peter and his friends suggest unbelievably explicit names for their private detective agency, which solves kids’ mysteries:

Joe: “I guess all our detective agency needs now is a name.”

Peter: “Well, we're detectives solving children's crimes. There's only one name that makes sense.”

Quagmire: “Dicks for Kids?”

Peter: “Dicks for Kids.”

Quagmire: “But wait. We want people to know we're grown-ups.”

Peter: “Okay. Big Dicks for Kids.”

Joe: “Oh, we don't want to sound too old. They're gonna think we're a bunch of old bald geezers.”

Peter: “Big Hairy Dicks for Kids.”

Cleveland: “How are we going to let them know we're veiny?”

Shortly thereafter, a kid enlists Peter’s help with a bubble gum machine that stole his money.

Peter: “Holy crap, it's a set-up. Time to make a quick getaway.”

Peter chews bubble gum and blows a bubble that lifts him into the air, where he meets Mayor West, also floating from a bubble.

West: “You were set up too, huh? ...You realize that kid is plowing both our wives right now.”

And Quagmire shows the other guys footage from a nanny-cam video. In the footage,

Quagmire enters a boy's room with the mother.

Quagmire: “C'mon, let's do it on your son's tiny bed.”

Woman: “Hurry, he gets home at three.”

Quagmire: “Okay, it's later than this. Fast forward ahead. Forward. Keep forwarding.”

Cleveland: “Is that woman gonna be okay?”

Quagmire: “Yeah, yeah, she's fine. We're having brunch after this. God, I look huge on that bed, don't I?”

Cleveland: “You think other guys hang out and watch their friend's naked, gyrating butt?”

Soon, the episode’s main plot commences, and Peter discovers a life-sized, homemade doll in Chris' closet.

Chris: “No! Don't hurt Heather. Don't hurt my girlfriend!”

Peter: “What the hell?”

Joe: “Chris made a sex doll?”

After Peter tells his wife…

Peter: “Hey, Chris, your mother wanted me to talk to you. She doesn't think it's healthy for you to be spending all your time with a homemade sex doll.”

Chris: “Sex doll? I wish. Heather hasn't even let me get to second base.”

Peter: “Hang on, what's second base? Is that touching one of the cabbages?”

Chris: “Yeah. Oh, but I'm such a loser. She'll never let me do that.”

Peter: “C'mon, Chris, don't sell yourself short. You are every bit as good as that bag of garbage...Look, if you really want to learn how to bang that thing, there's no better teacher than your old dad.”

In order to teach Chris how to “attract women” (even though he has an inanimate sex doll), Peter teaches Chris how to act sexy.

Peter: “Okay, Chris, now women really dig those firemen calendars. So we're gonna go inside, get some sexy shots of you doing firemen stuff.”

There follows a montage of Chris' fireman calendar shots. In one, he's holding the hose up to his crotch so that it resembles a phallus. Eventually, Chris's doll falls headfirst into his crotch.

Chris: “Wow, I'm gonna have to write to somebody about this.”

Cut to: Penthouse office. A man reads Chris' letter. Posters in the background show nude women covering their breasts in various poses.

Man: “ ‘Dear Penthouse. I used to think these letters were fake until my taped-together-soccer-ball-headed girlfriend fell in my lap.’ Hey, do we still have a magazine?”

But Family Guy doesn’t only associate kids with (anal) sex; it also trashes marriage at the same time:

Chris approaches the breakfast table carrying Heather. He's wearing only his underwear.

Chris: “Good morning, everybody. I think Heather will be eating breakfast standing up this morning, if you know what I mean.”

Lois: “Peter, I thought you were gonna take care of this. You were supposed to make Chris get rid of that doll.”

Peter: “I did take care of it. He slept with it, and now he'll slowly grow to hate it over the next twenty years…I also got you a gift. It's a Katherine Heigl mask for you to wear while we have sex. She's perfect because she's only sorta hot so there won't be this crazy disconnect of her face on your body, which would totally take me out of it. Also, it's designed so you can wear it on your butt.”

Later in the episode, Peter is shown wearing the Katherine Heigl mask on his own rear.

Peter: “Hey, Lois, I heard Katherine Heigl likes to French kiss…What's the matter, Lois? Need to get in the mood? How 'bout a little help from Kenny G.”

Peter swaps Heigl's mask for one of Kenny G. He sticks a saxophone into Kenny G's “mouth” (actually, his own anus), and starts playing the saxophone.

Peter: “I wonder if Cleveland's gonna want his sax back.”

Ultimately, Chris abandons the sex doll…but his replacement is no less disturbing. Remember, this is a high-school boy we’re talking about here.

Chris: “Mom and Dad, I want you to meet my new girlfriend.”

Chris crawls into the house wearing a dog leash held by Mistress Vita, a dominatrix.

And all of the foregoing doesn’t even mention the show’s various misogynistic “cutaway” gags, like a Donkey Kong parody in which Kong has torn the princess in two. We see her body ripped in half. Kong stuffs the body into a barrel and Mario seals it shut. They dump the barrel in the ocean.

Seriously: what is it with Seth MacFarlane and his writers? Is the thought of children associated with utterly graphic, utterly disturbing, and utterly inappropriate sex that attractive to them? If so, why?

Much of the alleged “humor” in Family Guy seems to be based on the discomfort of associating children with sexual content; and such content is increasing, the longer the show runs. While the writers of Family Guy may think this is funny, millions of parents don’t. Maybe Seth MacFarlane, and Fox, should recall that the public airwaves do not belong to them…but to the American people.


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