As proven by its January 29th episode, its cast of morons, and its ocean of tired, tawdry, and insipid sex gags, 12 years after it began CBS’ Two and a Half Men is still the Worst TV Show of the Week.
It is some kind of tribute to CBS’ laziness and unwillingness to change, and to producer Chuck Lorre’s utter creative bankruptcy, that after 12 seasons on the air Two and a Half Men remains a home for half-wit sexual innuendo and little else. While Lorre’s other programs, like Mike & Molly and The Big Bang Theory at least try to intersperse their sex gags with feeble, ineffectual attempts at character development, on Two and a Half Men, it’s still all idiots having sex, all the time.
In this episode, billionaire Walden (who, while professing to hate Alan, inexplicably lives in the same house with him) wants to adopt a little boy. Alan has been sleeping with the boy’s social worker, Ms. McMartin, which Walden fears will endanger his adoption proceedings. Then Alan’s ex-wife Lindsay shows up at the door carrying a large box – and the stage is set for one brainless sex gag after another:
Alan: “Can I give you a hand with your box? I haven’t said that in a long time.”
Lindsay: “I’ll say to you now what I said to you then: it’s easier if I do it myself.”
Alan plays a mix tape he made during their marriage.
Lindsay: “How did I ever let you make love to me while you sang other women’s names?”
Alan: “Be fair. You used to scream other guys’ names.”
Lindsay announces she’s moving away. They go to bed together.
Lindsay: “Sex is very different when you’re sober. Now I really know how long two minutes is.”
Alan: “I can’t have this be the last time we make love. The last time I put on your panties. The last time you say ‘No, not there,’ and I pretend I was just confused.”
Lindsay: “I really do need to go. And I really do need my panties back.”
Walden sees Lindsay leave. He calls Alan.
Walden: “Are you having sex with Lindsay while you’re sleeping with our social worker?”
Alan: “Yeah. My pimp hand is strong.”
Walden: “I want you to get your penis out of my business!”
Alan: “Change ‘business’ to ‘turkey,’ and it’s the story of how a 13 year old boy named Alan ruined Thanksgiving.”
Out at dinner with Lindsay, Alan tastes his wine.
Alan: “Good legs…full body…goes down easy. They should call this the Lindsay Special.”
Alan lies about Lindsay to Ms. McMartin.
Alan: “This is Lindsay, my cousin from Cedar Rapids, Iowa.”
Ms. McMartin: “You make out with your cousin?”
Alan: “I said she was from Iowa.”
Ms. McMartin castigates herself.
Ms. McMartin: “I thought I hit rock bottom by dating an old guy who can’t get a boner. It turns out, rock bottom is getting dumped by the old guy who can’t get a boner.”
Naturally, since this is Two and a Half Men, the episode ends with McMartin having sex with Walden, too.
It’s hard to know what to detest most about Two and a Half Men: the waste it makes of talented actors like Courtney Thorne-Smith; the utterly juvenile nature of its writing, which apparently assumes that merely the mention of words like “box,” penis,” and “goes down” is hilarious (what are the show’s writers – 12 years old?); or the sheer laziness of CBS in not even trying to make something better.
As long as CBS continues to scrape the bottom of the barrel and degrade the medium of television (and its viewers) with such dreck, Two and a Half Men will remain the Worst TV Show of the Week.