Are child molestation and statutory rape funny?
Fox thinks so.
That is the inescapable conclusion given the Sunday, February 8th episode of Fox’s Family Guy (9:00 p.m. ET) — the Worst TV Show of the Week.
Rape is one of the most sickening and depraved acts possible, and inflicts emotional wounds which may never heal. When it is perpetrated on a child, it alters their entire emotional development, and can warp their entire future life.
But to Family Guy’s creator Seth MacFarlane, it’s all one big joke.
For the entire twelve years of its existence, making light of child molestation and rape have been staples of Family Guy‘s so-called “humor.” So funny does MacFarlane find the emotional devastation caused by sex with children that, some years ago, he boasted that he wanted to devote an entire spin-off series to Family Guy’s child molester character Glen Quagmire. In the event, saner network heads prevailed, and the spin-off series became The Cleveland Show instead – forcing poor Seth to settle for a show centering on racist jokes about the title African-American character, rather than an entire series glorifying a child rapist.
But this just means that MacFarlane has to push all his rape jokes into the series Family Guy. The show was up to its old tricks during this past Sunday’s episode, which once again made statutory rape the theme of an entire episode’s “humor”:
Quagmire wakes up in this living room with a girl lying on top of him.
Quagmire: “Kira, that was an amazing night. Sorry I can’t drive you to work. I gotta go sit in my den until you leave.”
Kira: “Oh, that’s okay. I’ll just take the school bus.”
Quagmire: “Wait, what? You drive the school bus?”
Kira: “No, silly. I take the bus. I’m in high school.”
Quagmire: “What the hell? You said you were twenty-three.”
Kira: “Yeah, and you said you loved me.”
Quagmire: “Well, you got me there.”
Joe and several other police officers knock on his door.
Joe: “Hey, Quagmire, sorry to bother you, but we’re following up on a tip. Did you have sex with this underage girl?”
Quagmire: “I don’t want to go to jail, but I really want to take credit.”
Joe: “Quagmire, I’m afraid you’re under arrest for statutory rape.”
Quagmire: “All right, but let me just send the pictures I took of her last night to all my friends.”
Joe receives a text. He looks at his phone.
Joe: “Oh yeah! Boom! You’re disgusting. Take him away. We have all the awesome evidence we need.”
Because what could be funnier than not only engaging in child rape, but actually BOASTING about it?
Later, at Quagmire’s trial, MacFarlane “treats” the audience to a discussion of sex practices most sane people have never heard of (and would’ve been happy to NEVER hear of):
Lawyer: “Now please tell us what Mr. Quagmire said he did with the girl.”
Joe: “He said he gave her a Frosty Jim.”
Lawyer: “And can you please explain to the courtroom what a Frosty Jim is?”
Joe: “Well, it’s when you urinate in a condom and tie it off, freeze it and pretend it’s a man.”
Quagmire throws himself on the mercy of the court, pleading that the only reason he’s a pervert is because of his twisted upbringing. This is backed up by a flashback to his birth:
Quagmire’s mother gives birth. Her doctor cradles newborn Glen.
Doctor: “How do you feel?”
Mother: “Horny. Really horny. Could you put him back so I could push him out again?
Quagmire: “I was born nine times that day. And things never got easier. The only way I learned my ABCs was by learning the names of all the guys my mom slept with.”
Cut to: Quagmire is in school singing the ABC song.
Quagmire: “Art, Bob, Chest, Don, Ed, Frank, Gus…those are just some of the guys. There are lots of other guys.”
Quagmire also mentions that he didn’t go to his High School Prom, but his mom did.
Cut to: teenage Quagmire answers the door and lets in his classmate Ronnie.
Quagmire: “Hey, listen. Have my mom home by midnight, okay?”
Ronnie: “How ’bout I plow her in the limo and have her home in twenty minutes?”
On the stand, Quagmire pleads for leniency, given his poor upbringing.
Quagmire: “My misguided carnal instincts are the result of being raised by a sexual deviant.”
Except that Quagmire’s mother has had a change of heart over the years, we learn; and she is now – what else? – a born-again Christian! Because no episode of Family Guy would be complete without a heaping dose of anti-Christian bigotry. And naturally, given his contempt for religious faith in all its forms, MacFarlane portrays this “born-again Christian” mother as still acting like a prostitute…then imputes the reason for her promiscuity to “Christian” charity.
The judge informs Quagmire that his sentence has been commuted. When he ask why, his mother steps out of the Judge’s car. Quagmire points out that the judge’s fly is down.
Judge: “Well, let’s just say some new DNA evidence was produced.”
Mother: “And an impressive amount I’d say.”
The judge tells him that he’s free to go.
Quagmire: “Mom, did you?”
Mother: “Yep, twice.”
Quagmire: “But I thought you were Christian now.”
Mother: “Helping my son is the most Christian thing I could do.”
In recent years, Seth MacFarlane has shown signs that he is getting tired of being known exclusively as the rape-child-molester-and-fart-jokes guy. MacFarlane apparently wants to be taken seriously, and to be viewed as someone with ambitions to improve the world – as witness his investment and creation of last year’s science documentary series Cosmos. But until MacFarlane steps away from his sycophantic audience of frat boys and perverts, and actually stops treating rape and child molestation as jokes, no one will ever respect him or take him seriously. It doesn’t matter how many science shows Seth MacFarlane produces, how many Sinatra cover albums he sings on, or how many concerts he hosts. The bottom line is this: Seth MacFarlane makes TV shows that say child rape is funny…and he has made hundreds of millions of dollars airing shows which promote that view.
Maybe someday Seth MacFarlane will grow up, and will realize there is nothing funny about children being raped. And maybe someday, Fox will exercise some tiny modicum of responsibility towards its young viewers, and stop showing Family Guy during prime time on Sunday nights. But until that day comes, Family Guy will continue to be the Worst TV Show of the Week.
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