For unbelievably graphic sex rated appropriate for children, Tuesday, July 10th broadcast of the E! basic cable network’s Sex With Brody (10:30 p.m. ET) deserves recognition for being the Worst Cable TV Show of the Week.
The E! basic cable network is primarily home to celebrity “news” in the National Enquirer or US Weekly vein; but occasionally, the network veers into far more sexually explicit programming, such as Dr. 90210 (about a sex-themed plastic surgeon) and The Girls Next Door (a love letter to octogenarian Playboy founder Hugh Hefner and his sex romps with his three identical blonde “girlfriends”).
Sex with Brody is yet another such program. Hosted by reality show staple Brody Jenner (himself a former star of MTV’s The Hills and E!’s Keeping Up with the Kardashians), Sex With Brody is based on Jenner’s podcast series. Joined by alleged therapist Mike Dow and actress and comedienne Stevie Ryan, the roundtable talk show vomits grossly explicit sex talk into every pay-TV home in America…on a program rated TV-14 DLS, appropriate for children.
But don’t believe us. Brody himself introduces the program with, “It is all about sex, sex, and more sex!” Suiting his action to his word, Brody and his crew immediately begin the ultra-graphic sex talk (ideal for all those 14 year olds in the audience):
Mike: “How about when a guy says, ‘I’m going to get a massage?’”
Brody: “He’s trying to go get a little rub ‘n tug.”
Mike: “Do you consider that cheating?”
Brody: “No, I don’t. Why? It’s part of the massage.”
Stevie: “You think getting a ‘Happy Ending’ is not cheating?”
Brody: “Absolutely not. It is a muscle. You are there to relax the muscles. Your penis always goes like this and wants to know what’s going on. It needs to be massaged so it can go back down so you can actually walk out of the room.”
Mike: “Have you ever been aroused in a massage?”
Brody: “Uh, many times.”
Mike: “By a woman and a man?”
Brody: “To be completely honest, sometimes I just close my eyes when I get a massage. I don’t even know if a man or a woman’s in there. You can fantasize while you’re in a massage about anybody, and you’re gonna get a hard-on. Man or woman, straight up.”
Stevie: “But here’s the thing, there’s nothing wrong with getting aroused. There’s something wrong with getting aroused and then…”
Mike: “Getting an HJ.”
Stevie: “…then having somebody…”
Mike: “And having orgasms.”
Stevie: “…somebody scratch that itch.”
Naturally, a healthy dose of misogyny is included:
Mike: “When a girl says, ‘I never do this…’ ”
Stevie: “That means she has done it before, and maybe she’s afraid to let you know. Like, maybe she is with a girl and maybe she’s trying a strap-on on and she’s telling the girl, ‘This is my first time’ so that the girl is more comfortable.”
Mike: “Is that what you did when you put a strap-on on?”
Stevie: “Absolutely not me. The other Stevie Ryan.”
Mike: “When you had a girlfriend, were you the top or the bottom when you would wear a strap-on?”
Stevie: “I prefer to be the bottom, but…”
Brody: “That’s what all women do, by the way, just so you know. As soon as a female regrets what they do, they pretend like it never happened. I cannot tell you how many girls do that. They act like it never happened, but that is not true. You did it. You had sex with 10 guys. You didn’t have sex with only four. There’s six more in there. You just regretted it.”
Stevie: “We’re just hoes.”
Of course, teenage boys are encouraged to become “hoes” as well:
Mike: “When a guy says, ‘I think I have a condom.’”
Brody: “I think he probably wants to go raw dog. He probably want’s to not use a condom. You remember if you put a condom in your pocket, your wallet, whatever, you remember that. So if he says “I think” he definitely does not have one. He’s testing the waters. He wants to go meat to meat. He wants to raw dog.”
Stevie: “And I think he has chlamydia, so therefore please put on a condom.”
Mike: “If he’s not using a condom, he probably does, so that’s why you should always wrap it up.”
And naturally, no conversation is complete without specific details about oral sex:
Stevie: “She’s hella rude, by the way.”
Sam: “We have a great sex life. everything’s going well. Just it’s like whenever I’m going down on him, he never wants to kiss me afterwards. He always wants me to brush my teeth, and then it kind of ruins the moment. It turns me off, and I feel like it’s ruined. Like, what’s up with that?”
Stevie: “Brody has that issue, too.”
Stevie: “Hella rude.”
Brody: “Do you really need to kiss him right after? I mean, can’t you just… you don’t have to go brush your teeth. Do you have to perform oral sex and then go straight for the lips?”
Brody: “No. Why?”
Mike: “You should be able to mix up the positions. You should be able to have oral sex and then have sexual intercourse.”
Brody: “No, no. And then… but not kissing, Dow. I mean, kissing…”
Stevie: “Wait. Kissing enhances everything, though. You’re missing out if you guys aren’t kissing.”
Brody: “Wait, like, 10 minutes.”
Mike: “Brody, have you ever tasted your own semen?”
Brody: “Of course. I will say, I will say that I have [bleeped cum] and I have taken a little finger down there and tasted it just to see what these girls are tasting.”
Mike: “And how did it taste?”
Brody: “To be honest, great.”
If all the foregoing were not sufficiently explicit, Brody also includes this delightful tidbit:
Christina: “While we’re talking about sex, you gotta definitely wind down and get really comfy.”
Stevie: “I actually know a lady who (bleeped f***ed) a wine bottle.”
Brody: “I’ve actually seen a whole other thing like that, where they actually keep it full and put it up there and spray it, and then it just goes. That’s disturbing”
It sure is, Brody. But then, “disturbing” is typical of what basic cable has become. In order to find programming suitable for children, like Disney Channel or Noggin (heaven forbid that the broadcast networks, which use the publicly-owned airwaves free of charge, provide programming appropriate for kids!), every cable and satellite subscriber in America is forced by the entertainment industry’s extortionate “bundling” scheme to subsidize programming like this. If a tiny minority of people want to watch this kind of thing, there are a plethora of pay-per-view channels happy to cater to them. But why must EVERYONE be forced to support them?
Even more scandalous is the so-called TV ratings system, which allows this kind of content to be labeled as appropriate for 14 year old children. Like the PG-13 movie rating (beloved by Hollywood because it allows them to avoid the dreaded “R” rating), TV-14 is now ubiquitous…no matter how graphic and explicit the material on the program is. Only FX and HBO label their programs with the R-equivalent “TV-MA” rating. Apparently, everything else on TV – even graphic discussions of oral sex, strap-on, and similar rubbish – is perfectly acceptable for young teens.
This is the entertainment industry’s betrayal of parents, who mistakenly believe Hollywood is honest when labeling its own products. Perhaps a Surgeon General’s warning, like that found on cigarette packs, is necessary. At least then, the contents and malign effects of today’s basic cable programming would be acknowledged.
For forcing every subscriber to support graphic sex rated appropriate for kids, E!’s Sex with Brody is the Worst Cable TV Show of the Week.
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